#mentalhealthawarenessweek #PTSD
You wanna hear a story?
So, this is a tough one for me to do. As it’s #mentalhealthawarenessweek this is the best time to jump in, be brave and get it out.
I have PTSD. Oooft. Yes, so after being with Police Scotland for 16 years, I am currently going through the Ill Health Retirement process as I can no longer work as a Police Officer. I never in a million years would have thought that I would be leaving after such a short time and with only 9 years to go until actual retirement, but I have to do this for the sake of my mental health and everything that that depends on.
For those of you who don’t know me, I went back to uniform after many years in a variety of different roles within the Police. I was a sexual offences detective for 5 years; I worked in resourcing which was constant panic stations and problem solving and decided then that I wanted to go for promotion. The best way to do that was to go back to uniform. It started well, there was a lot to learn but I was getting there. Regaining confidence as so much had changed with new legislation, new procedures, new forms, new people etc.
And then in August I attended an incident which has since changed the course of my life. A few weeks later I developed a tight chest, panicky feelings and a shortness of breath and I realised something wasn’t right. The worst of it was a very physical presentation of tension in my neck, shoulders, jaw, arms and the nightmares. Every night, two or three times I waken having dreamt that someone is trying to kill themselves, trying to kill me or my family, horrendous accidents happen to loved ones, people run from burning buildings – generally horrific scenarios. I also have palpitations, flashbacks, a twitch in my eye, I feel like I’m in constant fight or flight mode, I have hyper vigilance, I feel removed from friends, colleagues and find it difficult to participate socially, I have motivation issues and a lack of interest in hobbies and have developed avoidance tactics to protect myself from stressful situations. This is the basics, there are other symptoms and I have had extremely low days.
So, I’m speaking out. Unfortunately, PTSD or mental health is still stigmatised in the Police. They say it isn’t, but I know they see me as weak, a sick note, on the skive. I have been accused of self-medicating and consuming alcohol to excess when I have been seen socialising as on one occasion, I swapped a Christmas present with a friend in a pub and had one drink before going home.
I was offered EMDR by the Employee Assistance Programme which I was working through, and it was starting to help. I was only entitled to 8 sessions and two of those were cancelled so the 6 that I did have started the process but made me far worse as the process was not concluded. I could not get any more and the Police Treatment Centre does not cater for PTSD. Seems like they are missing a trick as 90% of officers currently going through the Ill Health Retirement process are doing so as a result of PTSD.
I now have a diagnosis from the NHS and am waiting for more EMDR with them but the waiting list for mental health support in the Highlands of Scotland is lengthy. I don’t write this to ask for sympathy or help. I just want to raise awareness for those out there with PTSD. Many police officers and first responders do suffer from PTSD and don't get the support they require. I have such massive respect for my colleagues who are still battling on and continuing to serve their communities as Police Officers. It’s an extremely tough job and they are incredible people for what they do.
So, what am I doing with my time? I find that one of the best things for me and my mental health is to get away in my campervan. I take my dog, head out into the Highlands, park up next to a beautiful body of water and breathe in the fresh air, walk the hills, ride a bike – immerse myself in nature.
And now I am leaving my full-time employment I need to somehow earn a living. I’m not looking to take over the world, I just want to be able to provide for my family and be able to go to a Pearl Jam gig in the future!
I have started my own campervan hire business in the Highlands. As a lifelong highlander, I know how incredible this part of the world is, and I’ve been around! So, I wanted to share it with others. I sold my house, bought a couple of vans and have one on the go already, Big Ed. Effie is currently in conversion and will be ready to go at the start of July. Our vans are dog friendly, deluxe, custom built and come fully equipped with everything you might need for your adventure.
I have never started a business before, and I have been in the public sector for the last 16 years so this is a massive learning curve. My business is pushing me out of my comfort zone, it is forcing me to be sociable and it is encouraging me to keep promoting, keep advertising, keep doing social media, keep sharing my vision with others and I am actually really enjoying it! I have imposter syndrome, which I’m working on. I walk into a business setting and question why I am there, why would anyone be interested in me and what I do?! I believe that there is a better future for me and my family, and it doesn't involve the trauma and stress of my previous employment. It is campervans. I’m van daft, they please me greatly, what else would I do?!
Feel free to reach out if you have a similar story. I always think it’s best to talk about these things. Even if it is massively terrifying and I am exposing my vulnerabilities. If this blog helps one other person this #mentalhealthawarenessweek then it is worth it. I hope you all understand and support me in my new business venture moving forward.
Thanks for listening, I feel better already.
Fiona
